(Wednesday, December 18, 2024) waning gibbous moon Leo / tarot Lovers
I am in a bedroom in a building that feels like the Mayo Gonda tower. It is many stories high. A male friend, not a close friend, joins me in my single bed and tries to have sex with me, even though we are both fully dressed. This makes me deeply angry. I grab at his neck with my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can. I yell. I want to give him extreme pain. At first he ignores me, but I keep on physically attacking him with my hands, which starts to cause torment. He jumps off the bed and runs down the stairs. Following him, I find a heavy metallic office chair and grab it. I want to hit him in the head as hard as I can. He escapes.
I begin to move up the flight of stairs, to multiple stories. Some levels are newly, commercially decorated, full of workers. Beautiful, impressive. Some are old, neglected and empty. I meet a tall, handsome young man two stories above the bedroom. He tells me that he heard me yelling at the attacker. Eventually I finish my exploration of the skyscraper and head down the stairs. The main floor is very much like the “castles” I have been having in recent dreams.
Now I am outdoors, meeting with another friend, a woman. I tell her about the potential rape but she is not affected by my story, even though she also knows the predator. She is focused on taking a series of photographs in nature. Her eyes are on the camera viewfinder. I feel sad, alone.
Day notes:
I am feeling very depressed about my diagnosis. Feeling attacked by it. My Friday Zoom meeting is with a tall young man, my neurologist.
Plenty of Gonda spaces are newly updated and others are waiting for remodels.
This is a vivid, lucid dream but I did not write about enough of the images/events early enough in the day. Pieces are missing.
December 21 (Solstice): In my meeting with Dr. Pounders yesterday, he mentioned that at the end of dementia, personality can change and some become aggressive about sex. Chris’ mom had that symptom.
I can see the diagnosis feeling like a rape. The exploration of the different levels reminds me of exploring the brain; parts of it are well kept and parts need help. I worry I am the photographer that is not being very compassionate!!