Author: Denise

(Thursday, March 24, 2016) moon: full in Libra (lunar eclipse yesterday) / tarot: seven of wands

I arrive at the IASD conference registration desk in Kerkrade, Netherlands. The desk is set up outdoors, overlooking an ocean harbor, and is made of four long tables that form a square.

One of the IASD members working behind the desk, inside the square, hands me a schedule. I look through the pages and am upset to discover that I am committed to work as an AV volunteer for many hours each day, so many hours that there is little time left over to attend the conference workshops and presentations. I hand the paperwork back to the registration worker, explaining to him that I did not sign up as a volunteer this time. He insists that I must work. If I do not, it will affect many sessions of the conference, because this year there is a shortage of volunteers. He even calls Richard Wilkerson over to confirm the story.

The dream is much longer, but the rest has faded from my memory.

Day notes:

Yesterday I sent Sem in Amersfoort an email about the terror attacks in Brussels. Brussels is just two hours from Amsterdam. I told him I was sorry that travel, which is a huge part of his job, has become so dangerous in northern Europe.

Of course this dream reflects how relentlessly busy I am at my job. No time for those things that I find personally fulfilling. Too distracted even to dream.

Monday Chris turned on his computer so we could watch a DVD. For some reason, the computer launched his screen saver, which ran through the photos Bonnie took at Rolduc Abbey in 2011. Kind of odd.

(Sunday, March 20, 2016, vernal equinox) moon: waxing gibbous Virgo / tarot: Chariot reversed

Cinema dream:

I have been waiting many years for the version of “Pride and Prejudice” starring Keira Knightly and Matthew Macfadyen to show up streaming on Netflix. Finally, it arrived. I have watched it three times in the last week, and also watched Austen’s “Mansfield Park.”

I feel Jane is speaking to me right now. I devoured all of her books when I was in grade school, as well as those written by the Bronte sisters, Dickens and many others.

The film version of “Pride and Prejudice” is nearly perfect. The cinematography, set and costume designs are exquisite. The first few times I viewed the film, I was drawn to the character of Elizabeth Bennett. Keira Knightly is a forceful and energetic actress with hypnotic, dark eyes. But recently, I have been pulled into the much more subtle performance of Macfadyen as Mr. Darcy. The camera often follows him as he follows Elizabeth, and sometimes the scene seems to be shot from his viewpoint. His eyes are Celtic blue, star-like, and express his unconditional love and passion for Elizabeth.

A theme of Austen’s is the scrappy, intelligent woman of low birth being rescued and adored by the fine upper-class gentleman. Because I have been feeling so low, I find it very healing to watch Mr. Darcy. When he gazes directly into the camera, I have the sense of being the recipient of his deep, warm and faithful heart.

Jung would have something to say about all of this. My inner male doesn’t spend much time relating to my inner female, at least in the present moment. I long for his attention.

In “Mansfield Park” there is a scene where Fanny Price reads aloud from a history of Joan of Arc, in a light-hearted way. Later her two cousins play the glass harmonica invented by Ben Franklin. I find it powerfully odd that the two past lives Sabine thought were mine are included in one book, one film. By a writer I love so devoutly. Synchronous events abound in my life right now, like threads in a symphony. No logic to most of them but they charm and amuse.

(Friday, March 11, 2016) moon: waxing crescent Taurus

I dream of a man who reminds me of the late, brilliant writer David Foster Wallace. Chris and I watched a movie about Wallace last weekend. He is a favorite of mine, and of Cullan.

The man in my dream has long, gypsy black hair and is a bit overweight. He seems to have rather severe autism spectrum disorder. He has been invited to create an exhibit of his artwork in a small, private gallery at the Walker Art Center. In addition to his own work, he has decided to fill one room of the gallery space with my artwork. Without my help or knowledge, he has managed to gather a large collection of my sculptures and have them mounted by the Walker staff.

I walk into the space, shocked and surprised. How did he find my pieces? I don’t even recognize them. They are large metal wall hangings, not clay: tall, steel mountains with goats and wishing wells welded along a few of the edges. When I awake, I remember a sculpture Cullan created for one of his classes at MCTC, a steel mountain with a small goat climbing to the top.

I inspect some of the rough sketches of the autistic artist. They do not seem at all good enough for a Walker exhibit. But I begin to sense their development within the mind of the artist. I realize they will be quite amazing works.

Day notes:

I sometimes wonder about my shyness. Am I somewhere in that spectrum of the autistic? Sharing emotion is difficult for me.