Category: Denise

(Wednesday, May 18, 2016) moon waxing Libra / tarot: Lovers

I drew the Lovers card in my morning meditation. I always wonder what that means. Six manifestations that I recognize (Lovers is the sixth card in the tarot:

1. The moon in Libra.
2. The self-love meditation on Insight Timer recommended by Bonnie.
3. I stopped at Jimmy John’s on my way home to buy two sandwiches. I was impressed by the handsome young man that often takes my order when I overheard his conversation with his female coworker. His ideas and vocabulary were sharp and insightful. He left on a delivery and his dark-haired coworker handed me my sandwiches. She said, “You come in here a lot. You always look so well-dressed, so elegant.” I was wearing jeans, a $10 t-shirt and a sweater from Target, so I laughed. “That is a kind thing to tell a 60-year-old woman,” I said.
4. Later in the evening Chris repeatedly and full-heartedly thanked me “for sticking by” him for so many years, “through my brain tumor, heart attack, struggles with alcohol, everything.”
5. Just before falling asleep I found the YouTube channel called “Thinking Allowed” hosted by Jeffrey Mishlove. A treasure-trove of warm and intelligent interviews.
6. As I sat in bed, Lola jumped up and snuggled next to me. The sun began to fall behind the pines in the backyard. Out of my peripheral vision I noticed that the white diamond over Lola’s heart was glowing a brilliant turquoise blue. Other white items in the room were illuminated turquoise as well: the baseboards, the bedsheets, Lola’s toes. I thought this must be caused by the reflective reaction of white to the glow of the sunset, but then I saw that my hands were radiating turquoise too. Auras? When I pondered on this I thought of Sabine. Turquoise was the color we used in our work together. I wore my turquoise earrings from Taos in her honor: she is going blind, and had her first in a series of surgeries today.

(Friday, May 20, 2016)

My yoga teacher says the color of the throat chakra is turquoise. Today I had a biopsy of my thyroid. The nurse who did the ultrasound told me the size of my thyroid nodule has doubled, from 2.5 cm to 5 cm, and I agree with her. The physician who did the biopsy said it was the same size as it has always been. I trust nurses over doctors.

The morning I left for Phoenix I was in that liminal space between sleeping and waking. Lola perched on the edge of my bed and said something to me which I understood perfectly. I replied, and she jumped off the bed. I awoke immediately and was so shocked by the little event I could not remember anything either of us said.

I have two vivid dreams my first night in Phoenix.

In the first, I am able to put my hand inside of Chris, as if he has a womb. A cup of tissue sits inside his pelvis, like a bowl. Parts of the tissue are dying, disintegrating. He wants me to create a new, healthy bowl for him. This makes me impatient. I tell him that is his responsibility, not mine. But then I feel very guilty and ashamed.

In the second, I am visiting my parents’ house. It is a small one-story cabin, like Cullan and Alea’s house. It is decorated in white, but above the chair rail are the most intense, sparkly images of giant cartoon animals: Disneyesque squirrels, bears and a full, fun menagerie of critters. I awoke still very affected by the surrealistic, lucid aspect of the images.