(Saturday, August 6, 2016)
I had a long dream following the Sheehan family reunion last Saturday. Even when I awoke, the dream was in fragments. I haven’t had time to record it till now, and have had no dreams since. Which seems to be a message from dreamland that I must write down what remains:
Chris tells me he will be leaving soon, and wishes to show me two places he once lived. One is a modern high-rise, but, paradoxically, his flat is several hundred years old, with a lovely brick fireplace in every room. The other flat is in an old stone warehouse. The building foundation has been recently painted glossy brick-red. Chris’ old ground-floor apartment is devoid of any walls or decor, like an abandoned storage warehouse. The concrete floors are chipped and worn. Used.
I begin to walk a long trail, on my way to a family reunion. I come up over a low rise of green grass and see the main building at Rolduc Abbey. My dream-family reunion. Three giant sea turtles are making their way, rapidly, to the front entrance doors. Their large flippers experience no resistance to the earth – they move as if they are in deep ocean waters. Swimming.
Day notes:
My waking-life family reunion was powerful. Cullan and Alea came, which made me very grateful. I have 25 or so Sheehan cousins, and when we get together, time dissolves. There was great affection in the room, colored by the loss of loved ones and the physical challenges of growing old. For several days following I felt the presence of our family members who have passed. They were peaceful and loving.
At the reunion, I could also sense the pain I had caused my own son when trying to raise him alone. I made so many terrible mistakes. I also realized that most of the joy I experienced as a child was with my cousins and my friends. Not with my angry, controlling, alcoholic family. For a couple of days after the reunion, I felt a strong wish to never incarnate on this earth again. Not from fear of what my own life might contain, but to ensure that I cause no more harm to any being.
Turtles are an ancient reptile, older than crocodiles, older than dinosaurs. The sand prairie near my grandmother’s farm is now managed by the Nature Conservancy and is home to a rare, protected creature called Blanding’s Turtle.
I had a deep, brief conversation with my cousin Tom (his is a family name that goes back several generations). Tom was an only child and his mother Marguerite was my godmother. She died on July 5, 1965 of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He told me he has just retired after being a language professor at Superior for 30 years. I said I often consider retiring to the bluff country, because I have such connection to the sand prairie of our ancestors. The heat and sparseness of it, I think, is why I love New Mexico too. He said that he and his wife Gretchen have settled on a sand prairie in the north, and also think of moving back to Wabasha. I received a lovely email from him a few days after the reunion.
Terrapin symbolizes peace and is the oldest Native American symbol for Mother Earth. The Sheehan family crest is a white dove, also a symbol of peace.
Chris and I went out for dinner today. I asked him what he wants for his birthday on August 24. He said, “To live one more year.”