Author: bonniemitsch

I am outside of a large, communal, dirty shower area. I see what I think is a worm/insect that is transparent with a medium brown inner structure. It sees me and goes into its hole. It then comes back out. It is larger. It stands up and is about 4 feet high. It looks directly at me. It then turns into a human shape and wants to do these services with humans. It has something to do with blood. Some authority allows them to do this. I am suspicious of them (now there is more than one alien). I talk with a female. (I am not sure if it is an alien or a real human).

Nancy and I are at a large, outside arena, like for a rodeo. There are a few people around. Nancy goes to the middle of the arena and takes some photos of the people. I go next and copy the same poses she did. Later, I talk to some other people and one of them asks why I did the same poses as Nancy’s. I say there wasn’t anything in the middle of the arena to use to make a photo interesting. In my mind’s eye I see a photo I took of a young one to two year old boy. He squats down and picks up something in his hand and is looking at it. It is a nice photo.

Kevin is around 12-13 years old. He is with a woman who is like his “helper”. They ski down a ski hill together. Later, they sit and talk. Kevin’s voice is higher like when he was young. I’m not even sure it is Kevin. (I am an observer and I maybe cannot see Kevin, just hear him?)

Later, I talk to the helper. I tell her we had some difficulties as a family. (Paul and I were in the process of a divorce, though I don’t tell her this). I tell her I am glad to see him just be himself. I tell her at home he is moody and doesn’t talk.

Daynotes: I met with Kathleen and Shaney last Friday. Shaney told me about a book on apology by Harriet Lerner and a podcast with Brene Brown and Harriet Learner on apologizing. I listened to the podcast and have ordered the book. One thing that stood out was to just apologize for your part. So, with Kevin, my apology is for giving justifications when he first brought up me giving more attention to Rowan that Markus. (I did say I was sorry at that time, but then gave justifications). The other thing is just to be curious-ask questions and thank a person for bringing up whatever bothered them and promise to do better. Kevin’s other main issue with me is feeling it wasn’t my place to want to have closure with Rowan after Kevin cut off the reading every week. I thought I’d ask if he would Zoom and talk more about that.

I am trying to be my best self without giving myself away. I don’t want the kind of relationship we had in the past. I feel when Antonia is upset with me about something, he is the one that shares that. I feel like Antonia is the elephant in the room. She only has connected with us when we visit. And has said to Kevin she doesn’t want a relationship with us. That makes it so difficult for me to trust her. The podcast also said, that the apology conversation is not the only conversation. Other things can be brought up in the future. For me, I would love an apology from Kevin for cutting us off. That has been so hurtful.