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I am at a restaurant that is owned by these two brothers. I have a crush on the younger one. A group of women come in. One of them is a sister of Deb’s. I had just been thinking of her. I tell her that. They all go downstairs. They want to drink water.

I find smaller glasses and the fresh water. Initially there were only two large jugs of this great quality water. I find the glasses and where to fill them up. It is like filling up glasses on a refrigerator.

I fill up four glasses and take them downstairs to the women. There is a bedroom downstairs. It is very small and is next to the room where the women all are. The father of the two guys is in bed and is sick. He is very old. I leave him some water. He says he is not hungry.

I go to get more water upstairs. It will take three or so more trips to get enough water for all of the women. I worry about taking their food order and getting it to them. (a lot of work).

General feeling: happy, but a bit nervous about delivering water and food.

Paul and I are taking a long bus ride. We stop at a large “complex” to eat. I then have to go to the bathroom. I see a sign saying the Ladies Room is two stories down. I walk down. There is a very long line. A young woman and I decide to go up to the men’s room. I ask the young, male attendant standing outside of the men’s room if we can use the bathroom and to keep men out for a short while. I look inside and see that three to five men are in the bathroom. I go in and sit down on a toilet in one of the stalls. My stall is against a wall and next to another stall on my left. The walls are short and I see the man’s head in the stall next to me. I think he saw me take my pants down. I feel embarrassed. I have a difficult time peeing.

I then go to get on the bus. Going to the bathroom has taken a good 20 minutes. I am really worried the bus left without me. I cannot find the original area with the bus waiting outside. I climb downstairs on a ladder.

I am then with Meghan, Jax and Chris. We are climbing across roof tops. Jax is pulling on my sweat shirt arms that I have tied around my waist. I ask him, “Aren’t you afraid the bus has left without us?”

Some scene where Denise is going “home” on a bus to California. It will take three days. She has flown to where we are but is taking a bus back. She seems worried about it.

Day Notes: Chris wrote and apologized for making me feel bad. That felt very good. After I thought about it, I wrote and apologized for taking it personally and not trusting her for caring about our relationship. Other notes, felt pissed at Paul for not putting things back-going into my “victim” energy. Nice bookclub meeting at our house. I have been looking for what to focus on to bring meaning into my life at this time. I feel I have let go of things that I was involved in like the art league, exercise at the community center, etc. that no longer “feed” me, but do not have things to fill in that inspire me. I do still love photography and dream work. I think it has more to do with getting out into the community.

Either Chris and I pick up Denise at the airport in San Francisco or she picks us up. We go to Berkeley. We drop Chris off there and then leave. I am worried about Chris and we have her suitcase. We go back and find her. She opens her suitcase and takes out some clothes she doesn’t want. I take these away for her. Denise and I are leaving her there with a man.

Denise and I talk about wrinkles/lines on our faces. I have one across my cheeks and under my nose-one long one. It is not attractive.

Day Notes: Chris had canceled our every other week get together the week before. She emailed and said she needed a break and that maybe we could start again in November. This triggered my ” rejection” button. I was feeling depressed that week as it was. Also, after Chris canceled I had three other people cancel different activities with me. I wrote back that it was fine but I hoped we could stay connected. I said our relationship is important to me.

On 9/6/22 Chris emailed and said that she had some memories that came up and that she was going back to a healer she has worked with in the past. This helped me feel so much better. I wrote and thanked her for giving me more information.