(Saturday, May 3, 2025) moon first quarter Leo / tarot four of wands / oracle hydrangea (grace)
My house is out in nature, on a green and hilly acreage. Grassy, without many trees. The sky is clear and the sun is shining bright. The structure looks like one-story from the front but in the back there is a second, lower level, an open basement like at my old Plymouth home. The layout is wide and horizontal, similar to Victoria’s spacious house in Santa Fe, which is also on a tall bluff.
Bonnie and Jeanne are on their way for a coffee klatch with me. But I have had some kind of tremendous family grief, perhaps with my grandson, and I am standing outside, on the edge of a mound that is not completely visible at the front of the house.
Bonnie and Jeanne drive up. They don’t see me and they head inside, through the front door. I am still so full of sorrow I need to wait for a few minutes before I greet them.
There is a big family party outside, at the back of the house, and a male member comes to tell me that Bonnie and Jeanne have joined them. My sister Jo is at the picnic, too. A long, wooden table is full of guests.
Finally I feel calm enough to be able to look for Bonnie and Jeanne but the man comes outside again. He tells me my dream friends had fun but have left. I begin to sob without control. I know I need to call Bonnie and tell her why I was missing. But I cannot remember her name! My mind is completely blank, no matter how hard I try to recall her name. I search through old photos and journals but still don’t see the name “Bonnie.”
I cry and cry and cry. Paul calls me on my cell but he says his name is John. He tells me Bonnie is not home yet. I continue sobbing in the dream and when I wake up my heart feels broken.
Day notes:
Toward the end of dementia most people cannot even remember the names of family members.
Bonnie and Jeanne G. sent me lovely birthday messages. My friend Jeanne C. took me to a birthday lunch at Gigi’s restaurant.
My neighbor Vicky sent me an invitation for a coffee/tea party she is having next weekend. I have never been inside her house, which is on a hill directly across the street. With all of my family stress I may not feel very welcome or social. I worry people may have heard Cullan screaming at Chris a few days ago.
I miss all of the retreats Bonnie and I went on together for such a long time. Those were always the high-point of the year for me.
Last night we watched the final episode of “Wolf Hall.” Horrific. And I was stressed because in some months my social security arrives in five weeks, sometimes four weeks. In May I have to wait five weeks for my payment.
My brother, who has been in the ICU with covid and double pneumonia, was finally sent home yesterday afternoon.