Category: Bonnie

I am to swim in this lake. First a very long “string” of small, round, white buoys are tossed out onto the lake. I am to swim with a couple of other people? on the shore side of the buoys. We wait until the string of buoys adjust itself on the lake (this gives us a path to swim in). I see these red posts (four or five) in the lake to the right. I see another section of the lake beyond the red posts. I realize that that part of the lake is off limits for some reason.

I get into the water and swim. The temperature of the water is comfortable. We pass a cabin on a small island in the middle of the lake. There is a father and a girl of about 10 years old on the porch of the cabin. I think she is about to swim.

The group and I return to the shore. I put the buoys away in a pocket of something I carry. Now the buoys are very small. I will have to swim again, but not today.

Feeling: happy

I worked this dream with Susan and Bryn. Here is what I wrote:

If this were my dream, I am at a point in my life , related to my challenge with Kevin, where I am in a liminal space practicing having good boundaries with him as well as others who can invade my boundaries. I have support from others (fellow swimmers). I throw out the white buoys-a new experience, and they spread out easily. Having boundaries is easier than I thought. The red posts to my right symbolize future practice/learning re my boundaries that I am not ready for yet. I swim and and feel very comfortable and at ease. I notice a girl of about 10 years old on the porch with her father. She is about to swim. Maybe, this is where i am at with setting boundaries-similar to a 10 years old. I remember an incident at AAU swimming when I was 10 years old where the daughter of THE swimming family shamed me in front of the group. In the locker room before practice, her friend slipped and hit her head on a bench. I froze and didn’t say anything. When she shamed me I didn’t speak up for myself and the coach or anyone else did not say anything. At the end of the dream I say I will swim again, but not today. I will practice having boundaries and carry them with me in my bag. Eventually, I will be able to swim in the part of the lake that is off limits. I will become more comfortable being assertive.

Chris and I are in a play. We are both domestics. In one of the scenes, Chris, another person and I all get tied up to these boards and then will get rescued. There isn’t a lot of time to practice before the play opens. I am nervous. A woman shows me where the boards are. I can’t find my phone to take a picture and I am disappointed. I practice wiping down a table with crumbs. People have recently eaten there. I will do this during the play as well. The woman showed me the broom and I practice sweeping the floor. Chris comes and I show Chris where to go on the set.

Day notes: On the 27th, I talked to a banker from Wells Fargo who have the AZ mortgage. Paul and I are putting the property into our living trust. She said I needed the addresses of our kids. I emailed Kevin and asked him for his address, not sure if he would respond. However, he did on Thanksgiving. He wrote his address, and signed off with I love you! I wrote back to thank him and said I love you too. On the 29th, it was his 40th birthday. I wrote Happy Birthday to him. No reply so far. A little ray of hope….

Deb had a miscarriage. She is with a group. We are to do a ritual. Earlier, someone from the group put the fetus in a bag along with the ritual objects. I remember a large, metal mask and some flat rocks. Deb is to sleep under these three, large trees. She has done this before. The group and I will bring a bed from the house for her. In the past, there had been a bed under the trees. Deb does not tell me about the miscarriage, but I guessed that it happened. I tell her that it is good to grieve, even thought having a baby at her age would be difficult.

I worked this dream with Kathleen and Shaney on 12/6/24. I became Deb. I am in shock and out of my body. There are five women around me. They help me outside. A bed is brought from the house and put under these three, large, old trees. I am laid down on the bed and a cover is put over me. I am in a simple, off-white gown. It looks old, like from the middle ages. The women create a half circle on the opposite side from the three trees. The middle woman holds up the mask that has a masculine face. It is for protection on that side of the circle. The trees are the protection on the other side. The women then, one at a time, put the flat, warm rocks on my body-legs, torso, arms and forehead. These help me ground and get back into my body. The emotions comes up and I cry. It is a blessed release. The baby is laid on my stomach. I hold and kiss the baby goodbye. The other women put a hand on the baby. Then I put the baby back in the bag. I get up. The bed is removed and a small hole is dug where the bed was. I lay the baby in the hole. I put a red rose on the body. The other women take turns and put a flower on the body as well. I shovel some dirt on the baby. The other women take turns and shovel dirt on the baby as well. The baby is now under the protection of the trees.

Five years ago, Deb had laid under the trees. Rowan was born five years ago and that is when the “abuse” started with Kevin and Antonia. Losing Kevin feels like losing Conor (still born) 36 years ago.This was a healing experience. This ritual is helping me to move on and start living my life again.