I am shooting myself in the foot and a couple other places. I was going to shoot myself in the head, but realize I will die and decide not to do so. The shots do not hurt. A scene where I am sitting with two women. I am on a toilet trying to go BM.
I am petting some horses. Some of them are laying down. There are some city boys who are riding horses. The cousins (my kids generation) from my family are around. Freya is there and she is walking. The building we are all in was to be blown up. I am with the guys who would do so. However, it is decided not to do so. It is a happy party and everyone is having a good time.
I think shooting myself is a wakeup call about hurting myself through letting the situation with Kevin get the better of me.
I go to visit Kevin and Antonia in India. I am there for a few days. It is OK. Antonia is stand-offish and Kevin is lukewarm. I am to go to two other places, but I forgot my itinerary. I decide to skip the 2nd place which was for three days and go to the 3rd place. I know the place starts with an M and has pyramids. There is a man there who knows the name.
Feeling: accepting to what is.
This dream could be a reminder that my itinerary is to take care of myself. And I have forgotten it.
(This is a very uncomfortable dream to share). Kelsi, Paul and I are traveling. We are staying at a hotel. We know Kevin and his family are coming and staying at the same hotel. We don’t want to be seen. We get a room on the lower level and feel we are safe from being detected.
However, it turns out, Kevin and his family are put right next to us and that there is no wall between our rooms. Antonia is out somewhere, but Kevin and the boys are there. I go to the bathroom two times. Maybe a bowel movement one of the times.
Kevin is friendly. He says how a younger Rowan or a combination of Rowan and Markus is picking flowers from a potentilla and putting them by the door.
The next scene I am laying on a table, naked from the waist down. Kevin is sitting on a chair facing my vulva. I think Kevin is putting something on my genitalia. (don’t have a visceral sense) I pour some honey on my vulva. I say we need to finish before Antonia comes back. I am uncomfortable and nervous.
I looked up vagina and vulva. There are lots of things that spoke to me. The vagina is a symbol of strength. The vulva is a gateway from which all life originated. It is the portal to the divine. It symbolizes protection, fertility and healing. It is the sacred door of the mother.
It could symbolize the need for intimacy or desire for emotional connection or feelings of vulnerability or insecurity. Another idea is feeling exposed and having no secrets. Being too transparent.
The vulva could symbolize how open I am to accepting what other people want. How receptive a desired situation is to my wants.
Negatively, the vulva could reflect feelings about deserving to be a loser or to be told what to do.
Seeing my own vulva could represent how giving, helpful, sympathetic or how much of a good person I am.
Other ideas: rebirth-opening to what is kept hidden. Or someone is invading my boundaries. When feeling uncomfortable, it could symbolize being afraid of becoming known; a weakness of sorts.
I also looked up honey. Two things that resonated are: 1. A need to improve thinking style. Avoiding a problem or scenario that makes me feel bad. 2. Foreshadows a quarrel with a powerful female figure in my life who is a negative energy source.
I continue to have some sleepless times periodically where I ruminate on the situation with Kevin. I really feel caught between a hard spot and a rock. Part of me wants to be understanding and the other part is very angry. Maybe what I want is for Kevin to see what a good person I am. And not the negative way he sees me.
I worked this dream with Kathleen and Shaney. I became my vulva and then created a resolution. As the vulva I wanted respect and appreciation and to be treated in a reverent way. Resolution: Kevin gets how hurtful he has been. He apologizes and we hug. I next have resolution with Antonia. I tell her that this scapegoating of me needs to stop. She hurts not only me, but Kevin, the boys, Kelsi and Paul. She wants to run. However, her father comes as a helper and guide. He first apologizes to her and tells her how much he loves her. He tells her that she needs to receive, that Kevin and his family and her boys are all her for her. We all sit around the table and then tell her what we like/love about her. This is when I feel that I am Antonia as well as me and feel very emotional. It is a healing for me as well as for her.
I shared this dream with my group from Hackensack. Here are some insights: I have a realization of my vulnerability that has been exposed through the relationship with my son and daughter-in-law. Hiding from the situation is not a solution. There is no wall between our hotel rooms. This is a positive sign that maybe the walls are coming down between us.I have support from my husband, daughter and my grandsons. My son, in the dream, is also supportive. My vulnerability is from the judgement of me from my daughter-in-law. I want to expel all the “shit” that has built up over the years between my daughter-in-law and son. I need to try and see Antonia as a wounded soul and have empathy for her. I realize I desire respect from them. I long to birth a new relationship with Kevin. I want him to acknowledge the divine mother in me. This also requires effort on my part (honey). I also must embrace the divine feminine in myself, apart from his approval. It is time to let go of my feelings of abandonment and fear.
This is what I wrote: If this were my dream, I am being asked to be seen-take a stand, appreciate myself and stand up for myself. It is a healing dream-healing my sacredness as a mother and to receive/take in my uniqueness and value. The boys are like angels, innocents who get it naturally-putting flowers in front of the door-a transitional space and a symbol of the vulva/yoni. Kevin does get it the same way as his boys in the dream. He is helping me heal even though this is very painful for both of us. I am also helping him to heal. He needs to stand up for himself with Antonia. Antonia symbolizes my wounded self that has a difficult time with trust and receiving. She worries about being hurt, letting herself be vulnerable as well as loved and cherished. I am projected on by her. I symbolize her inner critic and visa versa. I would like guidance on how to help heal each other.
