Reservoir

(Saturday, May 17, 2025) waning gibbous moon Capricorn

A long dream with many forgotten elements. At the end of the dream is a large outdoor reservoir. Square. The edges are protected by huge, thick cement walls. It is split in the middle with another cement wall. The natural water is many feet deep. I try to coach someone into letting me move back into a building but I am pushed into the water. I am supposed to swim (something I have never enjoyed in waking life). I coast to the middle cement wall and pull myself up out of the water. I walk along the top in my bare feet for a very long way. Until I reach the land, where I can head back to the building I had explored in the beginning of the dream.

Fragments: Trinkets, Clouded Ceiling, Flower Circles

(Friday, May 16, 2025) waning gibbous moon Capricorn / tarot seven of cups / oracle Creativity, White Water Lily

Finally, after my long day with Cullan at the Mayo, I slept and slept and slept. Many dreams came up.

Fragment 1: I am in a room with someone (at my left) doing remodeling chores. I see a big wooden door on a wall that unfolds vertically. It is freshly painted, which inspires me to open it up. I crawl inside, into a room full of shelves with antique trinkets. There is one window above the shelves.

Fragment 2: I have completed numerous painting projects at our house. I look inside of Chris’ bedroom and there are round chunks of plaster on the ceiling that look like little clouds or pebbles. I tell Chris I need to fix the debris but he says everything is fine.

Fragment 3: I am in the yard next to where I grew up, the Jones’ property. In the dream, Hillary lives there, not the Jones family. I want to dig two little circles in the grass and plant the flowers I have bought for Oona. Hillary is aggressive and angry. She is not going to let me do this.

Day notes:

Mrs. Jones was not someone I ever got along with. Hillary has been enraged this week. Oona’s dance recital is on Sunday. I hope it goes OK.

The ceiling chunks in my dream of Chris’ bedroom make me think of the plaque that is considered to cause Alzheimer’s and dementia. He has memory issues like the ones his mother, aunt and uncle had at the ends of their lives. Short-term memory decline. Chris’ mother never admitted that she had dementia.

On Wednesday my next-door neighbor dug open a big circle in her front yard and planted flowers.

My Emerson dream had two white circles. I have discussed the symbolism with Cindy. My grandkids usually play at Fuller Park, where the old Margaret Fuller (friend of Emerson) elementary school was torn down.

5/10/25 Young Kevin

Kevin is around 12-13 years old. He is with a woman who is like his “helper”. They ski down a ski hill together. Later, they sit and talk. Kevin’s voice is higher like when he was young. I’m not even sure it is Kevin. (I am an observer and I maybe cannot see Kevin, just hear him?)

Later, I talk to the helper. I tell her we had some difficulties as a family. (Paul and I were in the process of a divorce, though I don’t tell her this). I tell her I am glad to see him just be himself. I tell her at home he is moody and doesn’t talk.

Daynotes: I met with Kathleen and Shaney last Friday. Shaney told me about a book on apology by Harriet Lerner and a podcast with Brene Brown and Harriet Learner on apologizing. I listened to the podcast and have ordered the book. One thing that stood out was to just apologize for your part. So, with Kevin, my apology is for giving justifications when he first brought up me giving more attention to Rowan that Markus. (I did say I was sorry at that time, but then gave justifications). The other thing is just to be curious-ask questions and thank a person for bringing up whatever bothered them and promise to do better. Kevin’s other main issue with me is feeling it wasn’t my place to want to have closure with Rowan after Kevin cut off the reading every week. I thought I’d ask if he would Zoom and talk more about that.

I am trying to be my best self without giving myself away. I don’t want the kind of relationship we had in the past. I feel when Antonia is upset with me about something, he is the one that shares that. I feel like Antonia is the elephant in the room. She only has connected with us when we visit. And has said to Kevin she doesn’t want a relationship with us. That makes it so difficult for me to trust her. The podcast also said, that the apology conversation is not the only conversation. Other things can be brought up in the future. For me, I would love an apology from Kevin for cutting us off. That has been so hurtful.